She's Always A Woman To Me
by Chelsea Oz
Summary: The perfect song for Jean Louise Finch in "Go Set A Watchman" is a Billy Joel song that shares my title. You should listen to it if you haven't heard it already. Dill comes back to Maycomb in 1964 and rekindles his friendship with Scout. Nothing more and nothing less. Enjoy! Now complete!
1. Chapter 1

It was the fall of 1964 and I was back in Maycomb County, Alabama. I have not been here in almost two decades now. I came back to America shortly after I got the telegram that Scout and broken it off with Hank and that she wasn't going back to New York. The part about her not going back to New York was what shocked me the most. I could not give a shit less about Hank Clinton; he was beneath her and I always knew it. I never did say anything to her because I just wanted her to be happy and a part of her was happy when she was with him.

I moved to New York myself when I came back to the states. That was not the plan that I had in mind; I told myself that I was going to go to Maycomb to see her and I never did. That plan fizzled eight years ago and I still haven't brough myself to see her until now. I don't know why I feel so hesitant to see her, she used to be my best friend. She was the girl I was going to grow up to marry and I would steal kisses from her when her brother wasn't looking.

"Oh Jem," I mutter under my breath. "I hope you're happy wherever you are. I love you."

I could kick myself in the ass everyday for not coming to be with Scout when Jem died. I will never forgive myself for letting her go through that without me by her side. Granted, she had her family and Hank but they didn't know him the way Scout and I did. The three of us were unstoppable when we were together and we knew it. I know that I felt the same level of pain Scout did.

"Here we are sir," the colored taxi cab driver said as we pulled into an ice cream shop.

"You must have made a mistake, sir," I say. This was not Scout's house.

"No, no. Atticus Finch done had his old house demolished after losing his boy."

"I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I can bring you to his new residence. It's only a short ride across town."

"That's all right. I'll get out here and get myself a snack while I'm here."

"If you say so. Eleven dollars please."

I give the man a twenty and tell him to keep the change. I think I gave him the best day of his life. If only he knew what cab fare was like in New York. I guess it was kismet that brought me here because I was hungry and ice cream sounded refreshing. I got so used to the cool climate of New York that I had forgotten about the subtropic weather condition of Alabama.

"What can I get for you?" The colored clerk asks me. Time sure was a-changing around here and I have to say that I'm impressed so far.

"I'll have a large chocolate milkshake," I order.

"Coming up, sir."

"Thank you."

I looked around and saw that there was quite a few people still out here having ice cream. I just still couldn't believe that this was my old neighborhood. Aunt Rachel's house is no longer standing and Scout's old house turned into the foundation of an ice cream parlor; unbelievable.

"Your shake, sir," the colored clerk hands me my order with a smile. I bet I smiled bigger at the tall, dark beverage with whipped cream and cherry on top.

"Thank you."

"Fifty cents, please."

"Here you are," I say as I hand him his money. I couldn't stand it any longer and I dived into my milkshake. It was a dumb move because I ended up giving myself a wicked brainfreeze. As soon as I opened up my eyes again, I saw her standing there. Scout may have her brown hair longer than ever before and she may have gotten even slimmer but it was definitely her. She was getting a dish of vanilla ice cream then she proceeded to take a seat on one of the picnic tables to sit with herself. My heart began to pump heavy at the sight of her.

"Scout," I say, getting close to her.

"Nobody calls me Scout anymore," she tells me, not even looking at me. I stalled; did she not even recognize my voice anymore?

"Dill does," I say in an almost whisper. That was when she looked at me. She froze in time and so didn't I. A smile crept up onto her face and I felt one creep up on my own.

"Hi, honey," I say as I finally wrap my arms around her. I felt like I could float when she hugged me back.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"I'm so sorry."

"You should be. I always wondered whatever happened to you."

"Stupid shit," I admit as I untangle myself from her and take a seat so I can get a better look at her. It's amazing I know who she is even though she is all woman now. "Where's Atticus? Is he here with you?"

"He died the other day, Dill," she said with sad eyes.

"What?" I was in complete shock. "That cab driver never said a word to me..."

"It doesn't matter. Besides, nice to know some people can actually keep their mouths shut around here."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."

"You are now."

"That's true."


	2. More Than Words

I had forgotten how enchanting she was, how easy she was to talk to. After our ice cream, we headed back to her "new" house hand and hand while we talked about everything. Scout was always a great conversationalist with an extraordinary mind. I could listen to her talk for hours and this is coming from someone who could talk your head off all day.

"This is it," Scout says all too soon for me. I must say I was not impressed by the house.

"Looks cozy enough," I say, bluffing.

"It is what it is," Scout says with a sigh as we make our way up the stairs. I could tell she was underwhelmed by the house as well. Why wouldn't she be? This house means nothing to her but adulthood and sorrow. I quickly found out the inside of the house was about as empty feeling as the outside.

"You hungry?" She asks, going into the kitchen.

"What?" I honestly was so wrapped up in Scout's new surroundings that I didn't even register what she just said to me.

"I asked you if you were hungry."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes, I could eat. Can I make you anything?"

"I'll have what you're having."

"Lamb chops and baked potato?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

I didn't have the heart to tell her I hadn't eaten meat in years. I was so appreciative that she was willing to cook for me. I couldn't tell anyone how long it had been since I had a home cooked meal. She could have made me shit-on-a-stick and I would have devoured it. I was pleased later to learn that she proved to be a good cook.

"Wow, this is good," I complimented.

"Thanks. Cal and Aunt Alexandra taught me a lot over the years."

"Whatever happened to Cal?" I ask, taking another bite of lamb chop.

"I wish I knew. I saw her once years ago when me and Hank were still together and she wanted nothing to do with me. I don't even know if she's still alive to be honest."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, it broke my heart but what can I do, you know?"

Her eyes got sad again and she stopped eating. It killed me to have to see my friend have to stop and take a breath before she could even continue to function.

"Are you okay, Scout?"

"I don't know," Scout responded with despair in her voice. "Am I?"

"Are you all alone here?"

"Yes," Scout admitted with tears in her eyes. "Uncle Jack drank himself to death in 1960 and Aunt Alexandra died of heart failure the same year. Funny, I thought only good hearts stopped working. I shouldn't say that, though. I didn't realize how hard it was to take care of Atticus all by myself until I was the only one left to do it."

"Scout," I say, putting my hand on her shoulder. She brushed it away and got up from the table. I feel so bad for her; I need an even harder ass kicking than I thought I deserved for not being here for her.

"Hank," she continued. "I don't even know where he is. Smart man though, he is. When I told him to go his own way he knew I meant it. I haven't spoken to him in years..."

I couldn't stand it any longer and I went up to her. I grabbed her, turned her around, and I kissed her lips like I would do years ago when we were kids. She buried her face into my shoulder as I hugged her. Lord knows I knew she could use a good hug right now.

"Thank you," she said.

"Don't mention it."

"I want to ask you something and I know it's going to sound crazy..."

"Just ask me. There's nothing you can say that would make me embarrassed."

"I have been having trouble sleeping at night and I was wondering if you would sleep in my bed with me."

"You want to have sex?"

"No, Dill," she huffed. "If I wanted sex I would have asked you straight up for it."

"Sorry."

"Will you though?"

"Yes. I would do anything to make you feel better. Are you sure you don't want to have sex?"

I felt like a million bucks when she giggled. I wonder if she remembers when we were kids and I wanted to be a clown? The weird memories I have sometimes. I don't ask; I just giggle along with her until she takes my face and kisses me again.

"No, Dill," she says, grabbing a dish towel to wipe her eyes. "Having sex to make the sadness go away doesn't work. Believe me, I tried it more times than I care to count, especially in New York after Jem died."

"I understand; under different circumstances I've committed the same sins."


	3. You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy

"I did it," Scout says so loud that she wakes me up. When I see the sun peeping through the window I realize exactly what she was talking about. Scout finally slept through the night.

"Congratulations," I say with a smile.

"I got to thank you," she said, unapologetically taking her night top of in front of me. "You're a real friend after all these years."

"It really wasn't a big deal, honey."

"It is to me," she said as she got her day clothes ready. "I'm going to go take a shower if that's okay with you..."

"No; go on ahead," I said as I rolled back over on my side to try to go back to sleep. I couldn't though and I propped myself up in frustration to find her still standing there. Scout was still naked with clothes in her hand, her hair was still dry and there was no sound of running water.

"What are you still doing there? I thought you were going to take a shower."

"I am."

"What's keeping you?"

"I feel I need to do something today and I want you to come with me."

"Okay...What do we have to do?"

"I need you to come to Finch's Landing with me and help me scatter Atticus' ashes in the lazy river."

"What?"

"Please," she said as she flung her clothes and herself down on the bed next to me. "It was his dying wish to be cremated and then scattered there. I can't bring myself to do this alone. I tried so hard to do it yesterday but I...I just couldn't."

She had started to cry again. I don't think I will ever get used to seeing my loved ones in mourning. If anything, I was afraid of it myself and that's why I probably remained distant for so much time. My poor friend had so much suffering in her lifetime that I'm surprised she can even find the strength to wake up in the morning.

"You couldn't so you got ice cream instead?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood like I always do.

"Yeah, exactly," she replied, wiping her tears on her bedsheet.

"I'll go with you."

"You mean it?"

"Yes."

"You're an angel," she says as she gives my lips a kiss.

"Go take a shower," I tell her afterwards. For being such a stong-willed thing, she's does as she's told. I sigh heavily once she's finally in the bathroom. I hope I have the strength to help her today.

"You know," I say once we're in the car and headed south,

"Know what?"

"After all these years of us being friends I am finally going to the Landing."

"You're in luck, Dill. It's just going to be you and me. Everyone else that has anything to do with that property is dead and gone."

"You're the only one still standing?"

"Yeah, I told you before that I was. Hard to believe, I know."

The rest of the way down was silent and awkward. The scenery was beautiful where we were going. I honestly have forgotten how lovely the southern landscape was. I would recommend southern Alabama for anyone who loves nature. The sunshine made all the trees and flowers look bigger and brighter and made the birds sing louder. I would look back at Scout and see her dark eyes full of sorrow. How I wish the sunshine could brighten up her eyes; she is so beautiful when she's happy. I hope someone has told her that before.

"Smile, Scout," I say after a long while.

"I can't, Dill."

"Yes, you can," I say as I take two of my fingers and try to up the corners of her mouth. She can't help but squirm and laugh. "See, told you that you could."

"You got me."

"You should smile more often; it makes you pretty."

"Sorry I look like shit when I'm miserable."

"Hey," I say with a nudge to her shoulder. "Can't you take a compliment when someone offers you one?"

"Well, what the hell, Dill?" She asked as she rubbed where I nudged her. "You think with all the shit I've had to go through and put up with that I would go around smiling all the time for the sake of vanity?"

"You win," I say with my hands in the air. I know when I've been beat.

"This isn't about winning anything, Dill. Besides, we're here."

"Already?"

"Yup," she says as she rounds the corner.

I couldn't believe the place; it looked like we drove right into the nineteenth century. It certainly had a charm to it and it also had an eerie feeling to it. I think anyone would have the sense of if-this-place-could-talk. Scout puts the car in park, gets out to get Atticus' urn out of the trunk, and then I get out so we can walk through the damp lawn together; the one that will take us straight to the lazy river. The river had all kinds of leaves and magnolias floating around, showing their magnificent colors and making the body of water look like a rainbow pool. I could have swore I was on holy ground by that point. I watch as Scout cries as she gets the top of the urn uncovered and sets it on the sand bank.

"Atticus," she says as she holds the urn close to her chest. "I'm so sorry I have to do this today. Know that as hard as it was to take care of you, it really was my pleasure. I do but I don't care about Cal anymore because in the end, with all your faults and all your greatness, you were the one who did love me. I love you, too and that's why I let you go as you please."

Through my own tears, I watch as Scout pours what's left of our beloved Atticus into the river. She collapses on the river bank and weeps hard. I go up to her instinctively and put my arm on her shoulder. Her sobs begin to get softer and I see her pick her head up. I back off because knowing her, I will never know what she's going to do next. I watch her as she strips off her clothes and dives into the river. I guess I should have been scared but instead I couldn't help but smile.

"What are you doing?" I ask, laughing when I see her head come up again.

"I'm taking a swim with my father!"

"You're crazy!"

"Yeah, but I'm happy now," she says as she begins to stroke backwards. I notice that she's smiling back at me. "Do I look pretty now?"

"Yes, you do."

Keep on smiling, Scout. You're crazy but you're pretty.


	4. Say Goodbye To Maycomb

I saw life come back to Scout after her dip in the lazy river. I may have been right about being on holy ground that day. We spent the rest of that day just hanging out on the river bank, enjoying each other's company until dusk settled in. That was when we headed back to town and went to the OK Cafe for dinner. I think it's safe to say we went to bed that night with light hearts and full bellies. Scout really had come back to me I realized as I drifted off into a very deep sleep.

The next morning brought sunshine through the windows again. I sat up in bed as I rubbed my eyes with a smile. I look over to my left only to realize Scout wasn't lying next to me, then I looked at the clock and realized it was almost eleven that morning already. I was shocked; where did the time go? That was all I could think as I quickly change from my pajamas into a white polo shirt and black pants.

"Scout?" I called out as I went about the house looking for her. "Scout?"

That was when I heard Scout and another lady's voice I didn't recognize start to laugh. I looked out the living room window to see what in the world was going on. That was when I saw Scout shake the lady's hand as I guy appeared from a car I've never seen before. He had a sign on hand and a hammer in the other. As the guy turned slightly to greet Scout, I gasped when I saw it was a real estate agent sign. Scout never told me she was planning on selling this house so soon. It made me wonder what else she had up her sleeve and that left me with a knot in my stomach. With a sense of disgust out of nowhere, I take a seat on the sofa and I don't get up even when the car drives away and I hear Scout walk back into the house.

"Oh hey," she said with a smile on her face. "I wondered when you were going to wake up!"

"Well, I'm up now," I said, that was all I could manage to muster.

"There's bread and butter in the kitchen if you want to make yourself some toast. I know it's not much but it's all I have for breakfast for now. I know I have to go grocery shopping soon..."

"That's okay. I'm not very hungry right now,"

"Oh," she paused. "Well, as you please."

As I please? I don't know why but the sound of that really ticked me off. She must not have sensed any anger from me because she just waltzed back into the kitchen like that didn't just happen. I get up and follow her into the other room, I felt like I had to talk about this with her.

"Why'd you do that?" I asked, turning her around to face me.

"Dill?" She was caught off guard.

"Why are you selling the house?"

"Oh, you mean that? Jesus, Dill, you honestly didn't think I was going to stay in this house in Maycomb forever, did you?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was going to tell you when I thought the time was right. It must have just gotten away from me that's all. I'm sorry I made you so upset..."

"Did you even think about where you're going to be when this house gets sold? What are you going to do with your life?"

"Well, I was going to tell you this, too, but I have a job interview tomorrow in Birmingham."

"To do what?"

"Stewardess."

"Last I knew you didn't even like to fly!"

"I need the job, Dill. I need to get out of this one horse town. It's been a very long seven years and I'm ready to go out in the world again. I want to travel and see the country; I need to feel like I'm free again."

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

"Will I ever see you again?"

"You got a lot of nerve Mr. Charles Baker Harris."

"How so?"

"How so?!" She was mad now, she was getting up in my face and sticking her finger into my chest. Hell hath no fury like Jean Louise Finch scorned. "Listen, buster, you had plenty of chances to come see me over the years and you've never taken them. You show up out of the blue after twenty years and expect me to think of you as I try to rebuild my life? Fuck you!"

"You're right," I say as I march back to my room. "I should have never have come here. We let our lives unravel too much to carry on being friends."

"Well, Jesus," she says as she follows me into the room. "You felt you had every right to live your life the way you wanted to and now it's like you want me to feel guilty for wanting the same things!"

I stopped to look at her. It sunk in that she was absolutely right and I was being selfish. She won and I was going to continue to pack.

"Are you really going to leave?" She asks me. I didn't look at her but I knew it was a matter-of-fact question without much emotion.

"I think it's best if I just go," I tell her.

"As you please," I could have popped her one for saying that. "You know where the door is."

I heard her walk into the other room and I heard the door shut. I didn't know how to leave once I was all done packing. I went to the door that lead to wherever Scout was and I couldn't even bring myself to knock. I tried to tell her goodbye but my mouth didn't want to move. I just scurried out of the house with out a goodbye or a hug or a wave from my friend. I didn't even look back as I passed the house and down the street.

"Need a ride, sir?" I turn to see the same colored taxi driver that drove me into town.

"Yes, I would love a ride," I say, hopping in the back seat.

"Where to?"

"Mobile Airport, please."


	5. Blue Christmas

It wasn't until 1976 that I had the courage to try to even see her again. I had to though; I didn't have much time left on this earth. I had been feeling sick ever since February of this year and I hate doctors so I put off going to them until a week ago. I was told I had some sort of virus, they weren't quite sure what I had but there was nothing they could do about it. I was given the next six months to a year to live. Scout was the first person that popped into my mind at that moment. It's funny; I have tons of friends that I consider family but it's that one friend I had once and lost that I cared most about.

It was the eve of Christmas Eve when I decided I was going to fly down to Birmingham. I have flew on many planes over the years and I always looked for her but never saw her. It always made me wonder if she went through with it or not. I hope she did because I would feel awful, like it would be my fault if she never did it. I could say that I was selfish then but I have to face it, I've always been selfish. If I could take but all the pain I've ever caused her, I would. She's always been a wonderful person and she did not deserve all the pain she had to endure.

"Fasten your seatbelts," I heard the stewardess announce over the loud speaker. "We are about to take off. Thank you for flying with American Airlines..."

I block out the rest of the stewardess' speech. I've heard them so many times I could probably recite it back to someone in my sleep. I look out my window and realize that it has begun to snow. It was the light kind, the one that made Christmas feel like the dream that it is. I marvel at how pretty it was as I drift off to sleep. Sleeping comes by easy enough when you're ready to check out on life.

"Good evening," I hear a woman say just before I drift off.

"Good evening," I say as I smile back at her. She had a friendly smile, this stewardess did.

"May I get you a blanket?"

"No, thank you, ma'am."

"What brings you round trip to Birmingham?"

That question caught me off guard. I've never known stewardess' to be so personable. Did she know me? I feel like I kind of know her. I look for a name tag but can't find one. Strange, I thought, ususally they have name tags.

"Oh, I was just going to go see an old friend of mine," I confess.

"Oh, well I'm sure whoever it is will be happy to see you."

"She won't be so happy to hear that I'll be dying soon."

I don't know what possessed me to tell her that. Her poor face dropped when I told her my sad fate and I felt sorry for upsetting her.

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

"I'm sorry to tell people. Please, don't let me ruin your night."

"I won't, I promise. I'm going to start my nourishment round, do you want anything to drink?"

"No, thank you. I think I'll just try to go to sleep now."

"All right. I won't bother you. Is it all right to tell you 'Merry Christmas'?"

"Yes. Merry Christmas to you, too."

"Thank you."

I didn't see her again for the rest of the night. I once again stared out the window to look at the still light, pretty snow. I wish I could have experienced playing in the snow when me, Scout and Jem were children. The closest thing I got to seeing Scout in snow was when she was swimming in the lazy river with the buds from the weeping willow in her hair as she swimmed. The happiness on her face after so much grief is still considered by me the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Funny now that I think about it how the stewardess had the same smile. Could it be? I wondered that as I felt myself relax and fall into a deep sleep.

"He's dead," I heard the stewardess announce.

I woke up to find myself in a crowd of other airline crew members. I look closer and realize it is indeed my body that was pronounced dead. The friendly stewardess had begun to cry as a man who presume to be the pilot wraps his arm around her. I didn't think I touched her so much.

"He was my friend, sir," she said to the man.

"I'm very sorry, Jean Louise," I heard him tell her.

Jean Louise; it was her that I was talking to! How did I not realize it was her? I couldn't have been that sick...

"I was waiting for him to realize it was me. Had I known he was going to die I would have..."

"No honey," I say as I kiss her cheek one last time. "I wouldn't have been able to let go that way. I'm sorry; please forgive me. I love you."


	6. River Of Dreams

Scout, I can't wait for you to join us here. After I comforted you on the plane, Jem came down to guide me through the light. It was amazing to see him as his ten year old self, just as I met him for the first time. I was so overwhelmed with so many different emotions when he came to me. I was so happy to think I was going to join him and yet I would look back at you and feel horrible about the fact you weren't coming.

"I want to go back to her," I told him.

"I wanted to go back to her, too," he admitted to me.

"What do I do?"

"You move on, Dill. It's your time and you are going to have to take it. Send light and love to her and move on."

"How?"

"Tell her you love her and think of lightening."

"Isn't lightening kind of harsh?"

"See for yourself."

I still saw you cry as you walked off the plane. I shouted all of my love to you and my lightening shot down into an actual burst. I can still see Jem laugh at the shocked expression on my face.

"Did I do that?" I asked him.

"Look," he told me. I did look to find you look up in the sky and you know what? You looked at me. "She saw you. You two are soulmates; your souls are connected more than you two will know. Well, since you're coming with me you will find out soon enough."

I walked through the tunnel of light and found myself back in Maycomb. Our houses are still intact Scout. Everything was how I remembered it when we were children. I didn't see my Aunt Rachel or Mrs. Dubose or the Radley's but I did see Miss Maudie Atkinson out watering her flowers. When Jem lead me up the steps and into the house, it was just a big old family reunion. Cal was there cooking food, Uncle Jack was there with a cigarette and a glass of brandy, Aunt Alexandra was there looking like the proper lady she always tries to portray.

"Where's Atticus?"

"In here," he said as he quickly lead me to another room.

Like Jem, Atticus looks like he did when I first met him. What a handsome guy your father was. He looked up from his paper and smiled at me. He never got out of the rocking chair but it was enough that he just looked at me.

"Hello, Dill," he greeted.

"Hello, Atticus," I greeted back. "Anything good in the paper?"

"I'm just checking up on my baby," he told me.

"You mean Scout?" I wondered out loud.

"Yes. Come here," he told me as I went closer to him. The headline of the day he showed me was that you were going to scatter my ashes. I was so taken aback by that genuine act of kindness.

"How do I thank her?" I asked out loud to anyone who could help me.

"Look out here," Jem said as he pointed out the window. I went to find you driving in your car again down to the lazy river. I saw my urn in the front seat next to you and I wish you know how much I was there with you. I watched you as you got out of the car with my urn, how you delicately took the top off to say something. I knew you were ready to make a speech and that was when I blew you a kiss. I know you felt it because how could you explain the single gush of wind to your face? I wish you could have heard everyone's laughter as they all joined me at the window to watch you.

"Dill," we heard you say. "I'm so sorry for all those lost years. I'm sorry both our egos got in the way of a friendship that was so genuinely spiritual. I know this is crazy but I feel you with me all the time now..."

"Because I am."

"...I hope you're happy wherever you are..."

"I am."

"...I hope you are with Jem and Atticus..."

"I am."

"I hope you know how much I love you."

"I do. I love you, too."

"I hope you rest in peace. I release you."

I felt myself in the water when you unleashed my ashes. The water is still warm Scout and if you want to be your crazy self, won't you join me?

"I told myself I wasn't going to do this," I heard you say. "But what the hell? It's still mild enough..."

Then I heard a splash. You really do feel me, don't you? Can you tell that I'm laughing with you in this moment? Do you know I can feel all the leaves and flowers floating around me just like you can? You can only stay under for so long until you float up to the top to take a breath. I kissed your cheek when you took a breath, did you feel it? I am with you now, do you know it? I can swim around forever in this river of dreams with you...


End file.
